The Story 4

Sometimes life's insanely, screamingly funny.

My brother in the Navy got given a joke Christmas present of a plastic policeman's truncheon because his ex-wife had slept her way round the cop-shop where she worked.

Life can be frightening. Bereavement shatters us out of ourselves, like our Dads' and Mums dying. Or discovering our partners are cheating on us, like my brother did.

Horror or porno downloads are a fun way of livening up a boring evening, in the right sort of mood.

Since we're talking salacious, one of my sisters, in one of those lulls, silences that happen even in busy pubs, asked our other sister (loudly) if she masturbated? So suddenly everybody in the pub looked at her interestedly...

Bizarrely, something called schizophrenia is a favourite terrifying plotline. There's no useful info out there to educate the public which is arse-about-tit, Like we're told:

“Don't be scared, it isn't fatal having schizophrenia, neither to you, nor to anyone else. It isn't dangerous, but if you really want to know more about it, watch thriller-killer made up stuff that isn't true. We'll sermonise about Care in the Community once you're all so scared you've shat yourselves!”

Thoughts being sort of voiced inside our heads is common. We all feel it at times, like naughty kids thinking how they'll be told off for naughtiness.

'Course nutters at work can be laughed at – I do it, it's human.

Like laughing at this story. My other brother said that once, on exercise when he served in the Army, he and his best mate crept up on another trooper when he was having a crap behind a bush. They had a shovel with them, which they soundlessly, with extreme caution, slid out under the emerging turd so it dropped onto the shovel, which they then, equally soundlessly and carefully, retracted.... leaving a baffled trooper searching everywhere, thinking he was going mad – where'd his shit gone?

We all laughed at a girl at uni for bragging she was a MENSA member. This was at Oxford but we were right cows to her and said her bragging proved how stupid she was.

Secretly we were all scared of seeming stupid ourselves – that's why we ripped the Mickey out of her.

My brother's mates dreaded their partners cheating when they were away, so made out it was funny.

It's what you do. Even my brother said “You've got to laugh!”

(I've got 2 sisters and 2 brothers all younger than I am. OK?)